


Oh, Suite Mystery of Life

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Fun with AR, M/M, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 19:39:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18058775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Rimmer has been watching Lister grind away inStarbug’sAR suite for far too long, so he decides to do something about it.





	Oh, Suite Mystery of Life

**Author's Note:**

> Janamelie mentioned on Tumblr that there needed to be a fic where Rimmer crashes Lister’s party with Loretta. I stepped up to fill that void.

“Lister? Lister! Where are you, you little goit?” Rimmer stalked through _Starbug’s_ habitation decks in search of his bunkmate. “You’re supposed to be helping me with engine maintenance! Lister!” He checked Lister’s bunkroom and the common area, not really expecting to find him in either. _Bet the filthy little bugger is playing one of his bloody games again,_ he thought sourly. Turning on his heel, he marched off towards the AR suite, grumbling about dirty-minded gimboids and their pixellated bints.

As suspected, Lister was in the AR suite, oblivious to his surroundings. Rimmer stood in the doorway for a moment, intently watching him as he gyrated and enthusiastically humped the groinal attachment. _Revolting,_ he thought. _Grotty little smegger, always smegging shagging some computer-generated tart. Look at him, running his hands over nothing, slobbering into the air, rubbing that monster between his legs against that stupid..._

_Wait... where the smeg did that come from?_ Shocked by the abrupt shift in his own train of thought, Rimmer leaned heavily on the doorframe for a moment to collect himself. _I’m not attracted to Listy. I can’t be. I’m a man’s man! A macho, rough-and-tumble astro! Strictly butter-side up!_. 

Lister dropped to his knees and began flicking his tongue in and out of his mouth while moaning softly. Watching him, Rimmer felt an uncomfortable tightness manifesting itself in his trousers as his cock took notice and began to stir. 

_This is not happening. I’m not getting a stiffy over that goit._ Rimmer pressed the heel of his hand against his traitorous cock in an effort to quell his growing erection. Naturally, his touch had quite the opposite effect. _Smeg. Marvelous idea, Arnie,_ he scolded himself, as he tried and failed to resist the overpowering urge to run his hand over the hardness now tenting the front of his velvet trousers. 

Blissfully unaware of his audience, Lister lapped on. 

Rimmer began to squirm as he imagined those full, gorgeous lips and nimble tongue pleasuring him. “You smeggy little bastard,” he snapped aloud. “If you like sex with computer-generated partners so much, why haven’t you ever tried having it off with me?”

_What the hell am I saying? I don’t want him!_ Rimmer bit his fist in confusion and consternation. 

_Yes, you do,_ whispered his libido. _You want him. Always have done._

“NO!”, Rimmer yelped. He guiltily glanced over at Lister, afraid his outburst been heard, but his bunkmate was still busily licking away, and was now thrusting two fingers up into the air next to his face. 

“Smegging hell,” Rimmer groaned, as his trousers and boxers began to pinch him painfully. 

_Enter the game,_ his libido helpfully suggested. _Go get him._

The hologram hesitated for a minute, weighing the possibilities. His heated simulated brain addled with need winning out over his cowardice, he stumbled over his own feet in his rush to get to the AR console. Hands trembling with excitement, he somehow managed to strap on the unfamiliar gear and cue up the character selection menu on the monitor. “‘Gumshoe’,” he muttered. “What options do I have? Con man - no - detective - no - gangster - maybe - ah, here we go! Police Officer Tiberius J. Hooker.” Confirming his character selection, Rimmer flipped down the AR visor and clapped his gloves together to enter the simulation.

Occupied as he was with Loretta, his favorite computer sprite, Lister didn’t notice the smooth, modulated voice of the AR unit announcing, “Player Two has entered the game.” He and Loretta were making full use of the capacious back seat of the gun moll’s luxurious limousine, Lister lying on his back, naked except for his fedora, while she rode him. Tromping through the shadowy back alley, Rimmer caught the motion of the car, and, overcome with a sudden fit of jealousy, rapped sharply on its window with his billy club while barking, “Police!”

Reacting instinctively with reflexes honed by years of petty crime and run-ins with the authorities, Lister thrashed as he tried to sit up, dislodging a protesting Loretta from her saddle and dumping her onto the car’s floor. He hissed, “Smegging hell, it’s the cops! Cover yourself, darlin’!”

Confused, Loretta asked, “Aren’t you a detective, Philip? He’s just a cop - tell him to beat it!”

Ignoring her, Lister listened for a moment, and realized who was banging on the car. He rolled down the window just as Rimmer was raising the club for another blow. The hologram gasped in horror and arrested his arm mid-descent, narrowly avoiding clouting Lister in the head.  
“Rimmer? What the smeg are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

“Looking for you,” Rimmer began. Spotting Loretta huddled behind Lister, he snarled, “No need to ask you what you’re doing, as it’s painfully obvious!”

“Painfully? You what?” Bewildered, Lister stared at his bunkmate, who, to the Scouser’s surprise, seemed to be growing extremely upset.

Rimmer glared back, then exploded, “Yes, painfully! You spend all your time playing these damn games for sex! You never bother with me anymore! I’ve given you the best years of my death, and how do you reward me? By ignoring me in favor of some slag of a tarted-up NPC!”

Lister sputtered indignantly, “I never did!” 

“Oh, so I suppose you and this - this - this simulacrum of a woman were just playing a quiet game of Cluedo in there, were you? Detective Lister in the Dodge with his club?”

“Why the smeg does this matter so much to you, man? What’s gotten into you? I’d think you’d be happy I’m not bothering you!” Heedless of his nudity, Lister kicked open the car door and slid out to stand chest to chest with Rimmer in challenge. “Anything to say about that, smeghead?”

Rimmer silently glowered at him, hazel eyes dark with anger and sorrow, until Lister thought he’d glitched and frozen. Still not speaking, the hologram abruptly stepped forward and crushed Lister to his chest in a fierce embrace, pressing his lips against the Scouser’s in a clumsy, desperate kiss. Stunned, Lister stood rigid for a moment, then melted against him, wrapping his arms around Rimmer’s waist and kissing him in a bruising clash of tongues and teeth. 

“Ahem,” Loretta said.

“Smeg off, baby,” Lister growled as, in a rare display of hard-light strength, Rimmer effortlessly lifted him and laid him down in the back seat, then clambered in atop of him. Offended, Loretta dematerialized.

“Good riddance,” Rimmer rumbled in a deep voice that sent a thrill through Lister’s core. “You’re mine now, miladdo, and don’t you forget it!” Working his hand between them, Rimmer grasped Lister’s rampantly erect cock and stroked it firmly, adding, “This is also mine from now on.” 

Panting with lust for this new, authoritative, take-charge Rimmer, Lister gulped, “It can all be smegging yours, man - just don’t stop doing that!” He whined softly at the brief loss of contact as Rimmer raised himself up long enough to undo his trousers and free his own erection, and then sighed with pleasure as the hologram lowered himself back down and took both of their cocks in hand. Their frenzied, near-animalistic rutting only lasted a few minutes before they came within seconds of one another, and Rimmer collapsed heavily onto Lister. 

Kryten cheerfully bustled into the AR suite, mop and bucket in hand. He stopped dead in his tracks, wincing at the sight of Mr. Lister and Mr. Rimmer lying wound around one another on the floor and rubbing against one another in that odd way humans so loved. Taking stock of the situation, Kryten sighed and left the suite, muttering, “I think I’m going to need a bigger mop.”


End file.
